I felt so low, you know, really low, as low as you could imagine it was possible to feel.
Crazy, just before i lost my license i decided enough was enough, i couldnt cope with life, i couldnt cope with anything. It was killing me, my life, how you were making me feel was killing me.
I got up, put on my grandads watch (theres another story, the jewellers) and went for a walk down the woods, this was going to be my last walk, my last breath, my last everything, i had decided that your shit in my life just wasnt worth it. So down the woods over to the train tracks waiting and watching the trains, i sat there for a while with the watch in my hand just thinking, contemplating life, trying to make sense of all the shit, i had already decided i was going to jump in front of a train just not sure which one, i just sat there, and decided on the 7th train (fuck knows why the 7th) i was going to jump, they came they went, dont know what happened (clarity) but i started to think about the two boys my exes mum had fostered, both of their parents had commited suicide within a week of each other leaving the boys devasted, two sad sorry little boys who had just lost both parents in the most selfish of fashions. It was that, them, what they had to go through, seeing it first hand pretty much, and thinking how my daughter would react, how the people closest would feel and suffer(?)
There was no way on this earth i could ever do that, no matter what, no matter how bad i felt, how bad things were that was just a bull/chickenshit way out.
Things havnt got any better, infact they got worse, i dont feel any better, im still a mess, my life is a total mess, but there is no way i could do that.
That is how you made me feel.
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